A Day in the Life of Deadpan Guy
The day began like any other, head at the end of the bed. I don’t know how it happens, but it happens. Apparently, I’m an ‘energetic sleeper’ as some nighttime companions have commented. I’ve accepted it. Like, it could be worse. I’m not not waking up.
My celebrity has grown since the campaign launched, but my day-to-day remains the same. Like Superman, I like to have a day job. This day job requires slacks, shirt and an attempt at cleanliness which is the next course of action.
I went the room my bed is in - not a bedroom as the bed is a futon - to the bathroom - which doesn’t have a bath - and stepped into the shower - which is a shower, so that’s alright. I keep the water at the temperature it always is, lukewarm. Not too hot, not too cold - it’s down for whatever.
I keep the bathroom - again the room without a bath - as a place for my thoughts. Toothbrushing means food thoughts, showering means the environment and government and power. But, the deepest thoughts, the powerful thoughts, the thoughts that could change and revolutionise humanity if I were to utter them (but...meh who has the time?) is when I’m doing my morning deuce. One thing I learned from my old man was the importance of a daily numero dos. I leave the personal thoughts for shaving. Lathering up your face and squaring off with your own reflection makes you think about who you are and how you feel...who needs the pressure? Facial hair is in and introspection has no place in Deadpan Guy’s thinking palace - aka the ‘bath’ room.
Towels are breeding grounds for bacteria. I let myself drip dry while eating oatmeal on the balcony. The neighbours have complained. Numerous times. But like I said to the building manager unless they have proof that I’m doing it, how can they prove it? Also, I have had my likeness copyrighted, so they can’t distribute it without my permission. Check-mate. No one messes with Deadpan Guy’s routines. It’s deadpan for a reason.
Once dry, I grabbed a grey shirt from the collection of grey shirts in my closet, as well as pants and my shoes. Plus, a funky pair of socks, to showcase my whimsy.
I put on headphones as I walked to the bus. Not to listen to music or a podcast. My headphones are the only protection I have against the real enemy of Deadpan Guy while commuting: Morning People. There is nothing worse than a morning person unless of course, it’s numerous morning people chit chatting on their way to work and constantly on the lookout for more people to join their conversation. The morning commute should be a silent time. With silent people. And perhaps a good book or occasional podcast. Not chit chat, small talk, or any other type of conversation.
The office is likewise filled with morning people. Gossiping over their cubicle walls. Smiling like their lives depended on it. Ben is the worst for morning chit chat. Ben knows me, he knows I’m Deadpan Guy. But still, he tries.
‘How are you going big buddy?’ he said with a smile that could end wars and cure cancer.
‘Big?’ I responded with a raised eyebrow.
‘Well, you know,’ he seemed flustered. ‘In a personality-type way.’ His winning smile faltered.
‘Agreed.’ I agreed. ‘Good.,’ I answered.
‘Great!’ he replied, with more of a reaction than necessary.
‘All ready for the presentation?’ He asked.
‘Like a teddy.’
Business quarters. Every employee needs to give a presentation in their field. Mine is customer service. I am the best. I don’t do the chit chat. I don’t give false promises. I tell it like it is and have what has been called a calming phone voice. Probably because I don’t raise customer’s anxiety by asking how their day is going. It’s a loaded question.
I walked into the boardroom. People were there, CEOs and whoever else. There were some nice buns...on the table. The CEO wasn’t wearing a tie. I can respect that.
After giving the stats - basically we killed it and by it I mean customers and by kill I mean we did our jobs - I went about my day. Photocopied things, until the copier broke, answered calls, until the people started chit chatting, asked Ben for a pen, until Ben started telling me about his dog’s recent trip to his vet for anxiety problems. Not to quote a meme, but I do not have any time for that.
Finally, lunch rolls around. Today was my day to pick the lunch place. I picked the sub place down the street. Decided on two six-inch long meatball subs with extra dipping sauce. Round about lunchtime - usually after my feed - I feel the slump. My usual cheery self, starts to slip. My three-word maximum sentence rule becomes a monosyllabic grunt. I need a boost.
Thankfully, I had REIZE - handy powered energy drink to mix however you like it. I like it cold and fizzy with a squeeze of lemon. Sugar-free deliciousness, great for washing down my meatball sub.
I took a drink of REIZE. Closed my eyes and savoured the fizz, the lingering sweet taste. ‘Most flavoursome,’ I said to myself. After my afternoon deuce - need to keep those pipes clean - I head back to my desk.
‘Ben!’ I called as I saw him see me but for some reason ducked down behind his cubicle wall - what a joker!
‘Hey, Deadpan Guy,’ he said like he was unsure if I was going to hug him or hit him. I compromised and gave him a playful poke.
‘I am fine and dandy, thank you for asking,’ I took a breath and stretched my arms out.
‘I am feeling nice and energised my friend,’ I said with a smile. Ben looked up hopefully and smiled deeply. ‘Had a little boost did we?’ He asked conspiratorially. ‘That I did, friend, a most flavoursome boost.’
I spent the rest of the afternoon catching up with the rest of the office crew about their weekends and family and Ben’s dog Tricksy’s trip to the vet - so sad really when you think about it. I skipped off home, having finished all my work with time to spare as well as organising mine and Ben’s desks.
The bus crowd in the evenings seem different to the morning people. Everyone’s happy to head home I suppose. I chatted to the guy next to me about the racket happening over in the USofA and whether that proved that humans have stopped evolving and started devolving. It was most stimulating - at least until the guy started yacking on about how everything was going to crap. He started to get a bit boring towards the end of the commute. Then downright annoying when he laughed at my mention of potential life on other planets. Thankfully he got off a couple stops before me so he couldn’t finish his rant about how the moon landing was faked. I guess it really does take all kinds to fill this world.
I got home and grabbed dinner from the freezer. Meat pie with gravy. Tasty. Filling. Done. I ate while watching the news. Same old stuff as every day, although that Trump dude seems to have excited everyone, I don’t get it. After doing a load of whites - not unlike Trump - I went to bed. Thinking to myself that tomorrow will be much of the same. But things could be worse - I could live in a world without REIZE - perish the thought. That’s my day. Deadpan Guy out.