The Deadpan Guy Interview

The Deadpan Guy Interview - Who’s the Man Behind the Phrase?

What is it about a man with mystery? Why is it that we are drawn to those who intrigue us, bemuse us, and amaze us? Why are we pulled towards those who hide their true emotions and motives? Who is Deadpan Guy? These are the questions I am on a mission to answer.

From the first time I saw him, I knew he was different. There was something more to him, a depth I wished to reach, a mystery I craved to solve, a thirst I yearned to quench. With that drive pushing me forward I secured a meeting to find out just who he is.

I arrived early, as I am wont to do when I know I am about to meet someone this intriguing and…..incomparable. Even so, he is already there. Dressed simply in a black shirt and trousers somewhere in the spectrum of brown corduroy and dark denim. Unzipped jumper hangs loosely around his shoulders. It amazes me when men of that influence and magnetism dress so simply yet, their effect on people remains intact.

We greet - or rather I say hello wistfully - while gently reminding myself that I need to remain professional and not give in to the deep and deceptively empty eyes and remain there for the rest of the interview. Interview! How can one interview a man of so little words? A man whose preferences and influences are unparalleled? How can one understand his brief but powerful statements and delve deep into his psyche without trying - in vain - to win his approval, understanding, and congratulations.

He was known by a different name once, a name no doubt passed down from generations, the hint of ginger in his beard suggests Irish heritage. But today, today he goes by one name. A new name. A name we recognise and envy. A name he wears with pride, nonchalance, and vigour.

He is the Deadpan Guy.

After we exchanged the usual pleasantries - or rather I offered pleasantries to which he responded in unarticulated grunts.

‘Not much’, he answered to my asking what he was up to lately; accompanied by a simple shrug. Except it wasn’t simple. There was something behind those eyes, those deep soulful eyes - that were a colour somewhere between brown, green, and blue. Not what would usually be considered an attractive colour but deep and soulful….and swamp-like. As if they could swallow you hole and keep you perfectly preserved for thousands of years.

It's easy to lose yourself in those eyes

It's easy to lose yourself in those eyes

‘You have quite soulful eyes,’ I unexpectedly admit. He nods. Was it an agreement? An acknowledgement of my statement? An involuntary twitch in his neck? I, and therefore you, will never know. Such is the folly of being human. We are all just mirrors reflecting that which we wish to see, and I know I can truly see him.

As he sits there looking not quite bored but also not quite anything else. Content, perhaps? Will his intrigue ever fade? I struggled to think what to ask. There in front of me was the face of the REIZE energy drink campaign. Australia’s first powdered energy drink that is convenient, portable and tasty. It’s not surprising that a man of this...magnitude would be the face of this campaign.

I shake my head to focus on the situation at hand. ‘So’, I start. ‘What brought you to the REIZE brand? Were you a fan of the product before they approached you?’

He takes a breath and responds ‘Thought I’d give it a go.’

‘Do you like trying new things? Would you class yourself as adventurous? Impulsive? The type of guy who would jump into something instantly without regret?’

‘You only live once.’

How deep, how meaningful how clever to appropriate the favourite phrase of the youths - YOLO - and place upon something as important as one’s mortality? Will this man’s genius ever cease?

‘In the lead up to this campaign you engaged in a number of activities with the REIZE guys, can you tell me a little of that?’

‘We skydived.’

‘That’s amazing!’ I squeal. ‘Was that your first time? I would have been terrified, but you must have been fine, you don’t look like you scare easily.’

‘I don’t.’

‘So how was it?’

‘Fine,’ he nods without smiling. I cannot help but be impressed by his bravery and modesty. I can’t imagine anyone describing leaping out of a plane and plummeting towards the earth as ‘Fine’, yet before me, sits a man who is not affected by the adrenaline, fear, or excitement. He is above it all.

‘Are you an adrenaline junkie?’ I teased. ‘I bet you are!’

‘They offered, they paid,’ he said. ‘No brainer really.’ And sensible too. Who doesn’t love a man who is careful with his purse-strings? Did I just say, love? How silly of me...I mean I couldn’t...I barely know him...

‘Any stories from the dive?’ I ask as I try to distract him from the blush creeping across my cheeks.

‘One guy didn’t know he was going diving,’ he offered. ‘That was interesting.’

‘Was he scared?’

He considered it and shook his head. ‘Terrified or shocked are probably more accurate.’

‘Would you recommend skydiving?’ I ask. ‘I mean, would ever suggest to another man like you - or exactly like you - to bring a young impressionable woman to a skydive? Hold hands and feel the rush of adrenaline as you take that leap of faith together?’

‘If there’s a parachute involved, I’d say to the guy go for it,’ he responded. ‘What’s the harm?’ Oh my, agreeing to my not-subtle date! Is Deadpan Guy flirting with me?! Have I started to take down his fences, walls, moat, ocean and build a bridge? I am finally getting to know the man behind the mask.

I don't know why I'm imagining him with no shirt on, but I am.

‘But,’ He starts, looking over to the side. ‘If you don’t succeed, then I’d say skydiving isn’t for you.’ Wait, what? Back-up, is he backing out? I laugh nervously, but then realise...wait what did he mean what I thought he meant?

He continued ‘Well, the way I saw it is that there were two chutes. If one fails and the other breaks,’ he pauses and lifts his head up and looks me dead in the eye completely emotionless and says: ‘at least I had a good view for the rest of the trip.’

Shocked I stammer out an agreement. He takes a sip and of his water, seems dissatisfied and looks back at me. How inconceivably overwhelming that this glorious man, when faced with the possibility of death remains stoic and brave? His penetrating stare that appears to focus in on my very soul. What a truly enlightened individual that can imagine facing death and being so...deadpan about it?

His phone buzzes. He reaches for it energetically, a wild look in his eye as he reads the message. Emotion is leaking through his austere facade.

‘They’re here’ he mutters almost inaudibly gazing wistfully at his phone - is it possible to be jealous of a small electronic device? It must have access to all his secrets after all, and stay with him all the time...

Before I can even ask who has arrived, in they come. Marty and Steve, the REIZE Guys themselves. As they walk in the energy in the room changes. The heavy brooding atmosphere is brightened. Everything brightens even Deadpan Guy’s expression.

Which hurts.

There’s a hunger in his eyes. A fervour that is unexpected and unexpectedly alluring, and enviable - if only I could evoke such a response.

He looks at the Guys expectantly. Marty claps Deadpan Guy's back and hands him a small black sachet. Steve produces a flask of hot water and a mug. Deadpan Guy grabs it and empties the sachet's contents into the mug as Steve pours water in. Steve and Marty sit, patiently, smiling at me like we’ve known each other a lifetime - when really I only know them from their YouTube videos.

Deadpan Guy sits up, full of tense potential, takes a sip and delivers his signature line, the line that comes naturally to him, the line which allows him to express himself and his opinions, the line that made me realise who he was, who he is, he is so much more than being Deadpan Guy, he has wants, desires, opinions. He raises the mug and takes a drink. Closes his eyes in satisfaction, tilts his head and delivers his review, the line that tells me who he really is, how I truly see him, and how he feels about REIZE:

‘Most flavoursome.’

After that, there was no more interview. The few minutes I had with him were overshadowed by Deadpan’s love of REIZE. One day I hope to dive deeper into his world, perhaps cross the bridge from a professional relationship to the realm of lust and desire, but until then he will always be my secret fantasy...plus I’m pretty sure he’ll need his phone in the future to contact the REIZE guys for his next fix and it’s currently keeping my phone company at the bottom of my bag. So here’s to our next meeting Deadpan Guy, let’s hope it’s Most Flavoursome.